Playin in my sandbox

So um Ive switched blogging sites....to my own... check it out. www.blog.cullyproject.com

So we talked, and for once I saw myself in someone else and quite frankly wanted to kick his ass. I can honestly say, I am happy for her. unbelievable

So he gave her a dozen,
Told her not to forget him,
He will be back within these walls,
before the last pedal falls.

If she had a kiss for every tear,
the truth is he would still be here.
She lays in bed all alone
on a pillow misted with his cologne.

She swore she could not take anymore
pedals of fear soaked in tears,
As one fell to the floor,
So did the heart of sweet Elanor.

It was silent symphony,
a miserable melody.
A heart wasn't made
To be able to swallow fat.

He returned after a dozen
Red to black hiding the floor
He leaned in for forgiveness
Two hearts united on the floor

Love is in the eyes,
Without it a soul dies.
After this there is no chase,
The truth is
I still miss her face.

so umm that poem I couldnt finish- which I have started to notice is becoming a real problem

No I am not afraid,
Im not scared to say,
I miss every part of you
wish you'd take the truth
This lying's gettin hard to do.

If you truly insist,
Then Im doing fine,
That last good smile,
That really was goodbye.

It is now your way I fear,
Somehow you just disapeared.
To a place that wont make you admit
that those nights under blankets
our hands just fit

Just when I get comfortable with things going away, I look at pictures from when it all began. We dont even look like we do now. So young, so oblivious. We had no idea what was going to happen but you can tell from the look on our face that we were totally fine with that. I have been so wrapped up in being upset that you have changed so much. I thought I had totally lost who you were but as I look at these pictures you can see the change. Why was it ok then? I think it was because I knew I was a part of it. Now I see you ever so often and every time I keep wondering where the person is that I knew. Where did you go? The place you were always going. I always had this picture picked out of the two of us that was my favorite without question. As I look through them I have completely changed my mind. There is a picture that when I look at it, I literally get the shivers and instead of giving me this yearning to relive it, it warms me and just makes me have this ridiculous grin and almost tear up, but cant because I take a deep breath and think about something else. To be honest, I thought I had lost all of these pictures. Happy Valentines Day.

By the way I would like to put my two cents on Valentines day. If you have someone, Valentines day should just be another day of the week. Those special moments with your significant other dont come on holidays, they come on tuesdays in the middle of the day when you get a voice mail or a txt message just saying how they were thinking about you. Those are moments that actually mean something. And if you need a holiday to jump start that then you might want to re evaluate your relationship. Valentines day really just allows the rest of us to see how single we are. So what is the purpose of the holiday, because it certainly would have not continued without some positive purpose or influence. It is for those who are about to be in love, as an excuse to stop waiting.

I saw a movie once (complete chick flick) where before a parent, i dont remember father or daughter, dies the daughter asks how she will know if hes the right one. The dad reaches out and holds his wife hand and says because it just fits. (referring to the hands of course). I was trying really hard to write a poem about this but for some reason I cant.

Cully

Hey lets make a future dear,
lets leave the predictable.
Lets just get out of here.
Dont worry about all of them,
theyve said where we will be,
Lets leave them some surprises
Why dont we do what we believe

_______________


I can only write about me,
with you i have not a damn clue,



Two starts to poems/songs/shit that rhymes/stuff that goes together. I just cant complete the thought - so umm dig

To continue from my previous entry...

I guess the concluding thoughts aren't so concluding. That is how life goes. What a frustrating phrase. When you end things with "I guess thats the way it is meant to be" or that is the way life goes, you pretty much give up in hopes that someone will pick up in your foot steps. I have spent a greater deal of my life giving the advice "who cares what they think, do what you think is right." Which to an extent, that advice is golden. To make a decision based on their opinion is stupid for lack of a more exact word. But I have learned that it is very important for their opinion to be taken into account. Who cares about how people see you right? That is so pessimistic, and gives way to the mindset that deep down that no one is truly smarter than you. I think that the way that I have been brought up, gives me this deep down feeling that I just a little better than the rest, or if I tried hard others would be helpless in being better than me. However, if you would have asked me, I would deny it. Because the feeling is core deep, but my perception is battling to settle it down. Christianity preaches modesty and I can see why. We as a race need each other. There is no way for one person to experience everything. There always will be those superior, but never one superior to everyone on everything.

Ok, recent events have allowed me to more define my "ideal" girl , which could be completely off but this is just fun isnt it? I want a girl that when I first meet her, wont talk even goes out of her way to be silent. I admire that, I wish I had the patience to be more quiet and I am sure a lot of people agree. But the girl is not quiet because she is dull, just shy. She has to have a personality that extremely reactive, and when the time arises is active. I dont mean to be superficial but I need a girl with strong yet easy eyes. A girl with a look that is shy but doesnt mind being questioned because she is confident in what she believes. Huh, I guess I had more but dont really have a way of putting into words yet.

I find it utterly pointless to pursue impossibilities just because they seem impossible. Though noteworthy, if it is not in the best interest of your life, then it is done in vein. In the worst case scenario you are taking away from another persons purpose. Impossibilities are simply tests that a person comes upon, not the other way around.

I get so frustrated people. Not to vent, because there are certainly those who are frustrated with me. However, it is necessary to take into account that I can not speak on their behalf, and that I am more likely to tell an accurate story from a perspective that I am familiar with. Therefore, I am not saying in fact that I am perfect in anyway, or am ignoring the frustration of others towards me, but only to tell you a side so that some people who read this will get a full image. I am so tired of people feeling that they have a right to hold people in their place according to their perspective. First impressions are everything, but that says nothing for second opinions which, not to play the cripple card, is where I have to make my true impression. I think first impressions are considered everything but most definitely are not. The second impression in my opinion is more important than the first. While the first is the only reason a person should get a second, a person who is sold on first impressions is naive. What I guess I am saying, is that i am extremely frustrated with people who place people in their category based on a first impression.

On a completely separate note, I think I just cut the lifeline of the only thing connecting me with wanting to go home. For those that do not know, that was not my intent at all. I pissed off the only person, that i truly care if they talk to me at all. Ironically, i did so by commenting on how little we talk. Commenting is not exactly the right word, but I don't feel like spilling my every intent- because in the end, it was not a valid intent even still. I ended communication with the last person who took the time to judge me by their second impression of me. I am asking more people to do this, but what made this individual special, is she did it naturally. I would say sorry if I thought it would help at all.

I have to accept that in my pursuit in the next chapter of my life, the people that were with me before, may not be along my side in their similar pursuits. People ask what is the hardest adjustment when going to college, and it actually has little to do with college. It is the idea that moving on may mean moving away and possibly making decisions that can not be taken back. We spend our lives previous to college, making roots and a foundation to pounce from, attacking life with a certain confidence that there is a plan B. In college, there are no guarantees other than time waits for no one. I wish I could just find that one thing that i could fasten myself to, so propel myself with confidence

-- more later- i have to eat

Its funny how I have the whole english language (and limited spanish) to describe myself right now, and I cant find a single word. I have placed feelings in catergories like symptoms to identify a disease but it is no use. I am experiencing a thrill of uncertainty I have not been able to feel in a long time. I am constantly looking twice at situations, in complete disbelief. It is odd how I am completely comfortable with how this semester is going, yet it is going somewhere I can not explain or control. I am not taking a passenger seat perspective, but I am just that sure that it must be the path that is right. I find cliche`s meaning something to me again. I find that I can trust...myself again. This past weekend was amazing, in fact every weekend that I have been here has been fantastic. I gave a confident smirk the other day that I thought I had lost. Roots! I have Roots! I have friends that confide in me for advice. I am first on the list for people, when they want to have a good time. Ahh finally, it is starting to feel like home. For so long now it has been awkward because I was stuck between a place that couldnt be home, and a place that I didnt want to be home anymore. That is enough for now!

Hello their cruel world...just kidding..life is going great other than it being colder than a well diggers ass.  My coach calls it a cold snap...but when I snap it doesn't last two months.  goodness. I am just not built for the cold. But it does bring out an adorable side of women though.  When its warm women dress with confidence, you can tell it in their colors and the way they walk.  But when its cold as well you know, they just put on whatever makes them warm and its just adorable. I know some of you are reading this thinking, you are sick watching women suffer and saying its adorable. Its not the suffering that makes it adorable and dare i say attractive,   its that raw beauty, that they are forced to be themselves, there is no false front of confidence, they are simply broken down to staying warm. Its a beautiful thing. Dont get me wrong, I dont dream of makeup free sweatpant wearing women, but its nice to actually see the base, the foundation.  Its nice for once girls to seem that they are all powerful.

The biggest part of not knowing, is knowing that you dont know. The fact that you have no clue and know, give you the biggest leap ahead over so many in this world. Because the truth is that in our best efforts, we will know nothing in relation to how much there is to be known. We spend so much of our lives, well in my youth it seems this way, focused on knowledge when in reality there are so many more things that we can actually accomplish. Knowledge is a result, not a path. Through your experiences we attain knowledge, yet to search for it is a waste. We have so much more to offer the world, we have better methods to change it. We are not going to outsmart anything on a grand scale. Anyway- keep it real - just a thought

Im not saying this to change your mind or for you to even reconsider your past.  I just miss you. I know you have your doubts, and I know you have your reasons trust me.  But I just thought through it all, it might be hard to see that despite what you say, or what you want me to believe, I will miss you anyway. Even when I try to turn the other way, no one looks towards the shadows. You made it this far..

I find myself constantly saying "I guess you had to be there" lately. And For a while i thought i was just lame (while no doubt some will think i am), but the truth is that the people that experienced it with me swore by it.  And that got me thinking. That the experience of life isnt from some spectator angle or from stories. You have to live it.  If you dont go and experience life you are constantly going to be the person hearing "I guess you had to be there" all the time until its too late. We were designed with no comprehension of infinity but a complete understanding that most everything has a beginning and an end. The truth is that the "end" is coming soon and if we do not go and experience it , then it will fly by us like a depressing movie.  I was listening to the bush speech and then read an article that includes some pretty heroic people and I could not help but ask what made them so special? What did they do that set them apart from the rest of the world? The answer is not hard to say but is incredibly hard to act on. They took a chance, they made their move with confidence and treated it as if they were correct until proven otherwise. And that is what it is about. They are truely living that inspires others to live.

She puts on her red lipstick,
Delicate glossed on her finger tips,
Sweet surrender painted over her cherry lips,
Shes a dream's dream's kryptonite
The touch of an angels light
Running from him with all her might.

She feels like she's got no where to go,
Memories woven with tears and her pillow,
She cant give him a chance, not a single word,
because when she fell, thats all she heard.

It hurts too much to recall,
prom dresses and kisses in the fall,
A porch swing and a school hall.
He is her last memory
of how things could never be.

He wakes in search of a lost smile,
Puts on his  shirt laced with denial.
He knows its been quite some time,
But its the last hope he can hold at night.

The worst of broken hearts remain,
not to those who have been slain,
but to those who can not be,
simply for reasons they cant see.

It takes many to compete with a few
those few who refuse to take the fall
and when in the time they do plunge
they are quick to stand again

Time flies by when we are hundred of miles away from anything that can be proceeded by a "what if" or when you are too far away to fear what could happen. People fall back into their groove. Awkwardness dies and everything goes back to normal...well at least to the way it was, the way you had expected to be when the distance had diminished.
    Reality is truly clouded by fear but mainly of the unknowing fear of history repeating itself. The fear that when distance is eliminated the present will seem too comfortable and familiar.  The fear that we have not progressed and instead a repetition doomed to occur. But in our fear, we assume. We assume that we can not be different people, especially in proximity to one another.  I admit I must agree or at least succeed to this fear. We will never be different people. The struggle is how to not have to be hundreds of miles away for that to be accepted.
    Fear, as I see it, is not of what you fear but of the fear that this distance which comforts us will go away but with no assurance that it will return. Then what of the things we have accepted to ignore? Then where will we go. i will not go away.

    Before it never really made sense. You meant to me something undistinguishable, you had some significance in my life that frustrated me to no end. You try so hard to go away and I would try and let go, or was it the other way around, but no matter still; you were undeniably important to me. So there came a time recently where I got to truely see what it was. Prior to which, I had only assumed that my convictions were rediculous and should be forgotten after the proof needed would come from this reunion.
    But the assurance never came. I had memories that would not be let go, but more importantly, I understood what you were to me; what you did to me. The truth is that I am ashamed of certain things I have done in my past and I have always said I did them because you were not there. But in your absence, I did not do things I was ashamed of but still none the less unacceptable. Then I met you again. And I was me. Such a simple statement but truly it is more a symbol for how I felt. You bring out the best in me. You naturally force me to be the person I am meant to be, a person I can be proud of.
    I spent most of the past trying to forget that simple fact. Now I am realizing it is one of the few things I should strive to always remember.

So in the car today I aws taking shelby my sister to school, and I said something that made a lot of sence. People always preach that you are who you associate yourself with. This is true. But I will give you this, if you are to change the world, extend yourself, for you are who you associate youself with, but so are they. This world is so focused on self image and how they are percieved.

in an unrelated matter- heres some poetry

In the rain I open the window,
Because even in worst of storms,
Some things still must be let go.

I will hold on, I wont let go,
Thats what I would have said before,
when I was willing to be your shadow.

But if you want to turn away,
I cant seem to argue anymore,
Ill let this one go your way.

If Im the one you choose to ignore,
I will fade into the distance
I will be no more.

Im afraid youve passed the place,
where I would meet you half way.
But by morning ill be wearing a new face.

I throw my cards in,
I will move on.
I know where to begin
with you gone.

I once new a girl
who loved a guy who could not see
The funny thing is
she never felt so pretty.

Why do we choose to only see,
the things right in front of me.
Seems like in the time of need.
Together we could truely succeed.

Into dust I will become,
at least for you to believe.
Into the wind I will humm
Into the night, so you cant see
your shadow

It really sucks when suprises come from the things that you base yourself around - ie those nitches that you hold on to when your trying to move on in life. I guess I just assume certain things so I can have some stability in my life. Because no one has universal knowldege besides u know who so we can only assume and judge situations based on our past. I am just saying that because today it failed me and something dramatically changed the way I percieved. People dont change.

My life is fantastic right now. I am in that invincible mood where nothing is going wrong but nothing is going right. And I am so fine with that since not a lot has been going right lately.

People dont change. Ill stick with it. I got to hang out with several friends from highschool (minus katelyn) and really no one has changed. I mean their hair was longer or a different color, they might have picked up a few more jokes, but really they are all the same. They make the same type of decisions or at least see situations the same way. Strange as it is, I was really hoping that the last one would be different. One of my good friends is dating a complete pot head. I mean the kind where pot is the perfect compliment to every dish. Ie- chicken ->chickenPOTpie, brownies -> special brownies. Ive known that hes like this for a lng as ive known him. She just accepts it, and ok dont get me wrong I know some pretty cool pot heads, but he just doesnt care. If she left, he could care less. And I really figured that going to college would change that. Being that We went to a small school, i guess the fishing was slim. But I guess at least in illinois, a girl realizes that every guy there wants to at least go on a date with her. And she didnt go to a much smaller school than Illinois. I dont know its just frustrating when you know a person can do better. Alot better

Food for thought - Not all mistakes are things done wrong.

Anyway - i got one more friend to annoy till she will see me. You know who you are...so ill write more later

Cully